I’m doing it again
I’ve caught feelings for someone who doesn’t want to date me.
And I want to talk about why I’m letting myself go down this road…. again.
Did I mention this is a pattern?
The first time I tried to date someone who didn’t want to date me was about 7 years ago, and I was, unfortunately… successful.
I had an eating disorder and was extremely emotionally unstable because my dad was dying, which brought out all my codependency and anxious attachment wounds with anyone I felt “seen” by… whatever that means.
After one drunk night of trauma dumping to each other, I found comfort in a boy who had as many daddy issues as I did. So I pursued it.
And to be clear, he repeatedly told me that I shouldn’t want to date him because he’s not good for me, but I was determined.
I walked right into an emotionally abusive relationship of my own design with a guy who admitted more than once (while we were dating) that, even though he loved me, he also strongly disliked me because I had qualities he was jealous of.
It was a strange dynamic that I’m sure I’ll share more stories about in the future.
All you really need to know right now is that… even though he gets a lot of blame for the way he treated me during the relationship, only I can take responsibility for forcing the relationship in the first place, because at the end of the day, he did warn me, and I didn’t believe him.
This is when I first learned a very hard lesson for a self-described “empath” 🙄 with extremely poor boundaries and an affinity for trying to fix people…
Believe people when they tell you who they are (and stop making excuses for people who don’t want to change).
The second time I tried to date someone who didn’t want to date me was about 5 years ago when I fell in love with my best friend.
And when I say love, I don’t mean love like in the previous relationship.
I mean that this is the only person I’ve ever really loved. He knew me better than anyone else, and even though we never actually crossed the friendship line, we were intimate enough with each other in so many other ways that I still consider him an “ex” to this day.
Without getting into the details, at some point, I confessed my feelings for him and then spent about 6 months in this limbo where I was basically just waiting for an answer while also continuing to be in this deeply emotional friendship as if everything was normal.
What I didn’t realize at the time, or at least wouldn’t admit to myself at the time, was that uncertainty or a lack of answer is an answer in itself…
It’s a no.
(See the notes about codependency and anxious attachment style above).
So I clung to the hope that it might turn into a yes, and then upon finally getting the answer I was dreading, I had no choice but to end the friendship because I couldn’t bear to be in his life when I loved him as much as I did.
This breakup devastated me.
And it also healed me.
I’m beyond grateful for the impact his rejection had on my growth.
I spent the next few years completely closed off to any real romantic connection as I worked on my self-worth and finally processed the grief and anger about my dad’s death.
Being rejected by him felt humiliating because I became acutely aware of how long I allowed the limbo to go on.
It’s one thing to put yourself out there and take a risk on someone who I had this deep and special connection with and could see myself dating for the long term.
I will ALWAYS stand by that. Life is too short not to tell people how you feel about them.
But it’s another thing entirely to sit there and wait for MONTHS for an answer, almost as if I was hoping that he would finally say, “yes, Whitney, you are good enough”
Even realizing that my self-worth hinged on whether or not a guy wanted to date me was eye-opening.
And you know how people say it’s harder to get over someone you never dated because you don’t even get the emotional validation of having that label? Couldn’t be more real.
It forced me to take a hard look at why I felt so okay with trying to convince someone to not only date me but even to just be romantically interested in me.
I thought of all the avoidantly-attached fuckboys I had chased over the years who only hit me up the minute I lost interest.
And I thought of some of those same avoidantly-attached fuckboys who slide into my DM’s even though they very much have girlfriends.
(I only included this to call you the fuck out for that… it’s time to grow up and either break up with her or try being loyal for once, it’s not that hard).
And I thought of the few men I made excuses for and tried to emotionally fix without their consent in order to prove that I was worth keeping around as if my presence and love were not inherently worthy.
I really had to sit with what I thought I would get from that yes.
I think part of me just wanted to feel special… like I was SO worthy of being picked that a guy would drop any hesitations to be with me.
But did I actually want that? To be with someone who had to be convinced in some way?
And if I really wanted to feel special, why was I looking for it from guys who either couldn’t or didn’t want to offer me what I wanted?
*Cue the soundtrack for this chapter of my life*
The third time I tried to date someone who didn’t want to date me is… right now.
Except this time, it’s different.
And at the risk of sounding like the girl who is aggressively justifying a bad situation to her friend even though we all know she’s just trying to convince herself, I’m gonna tell you why this feels different.
The biggest reason being — I’m not actually trying to date him.
I’m just… seeing him. I think. In a casual way. Where I light-heartedly refer to him as my [Out of State] PenPal or sometimes my [Out of State] Boyfriend, fully knowing that one day, when I decide to cut it off, he will be filed away in my heart as an “ex” even though we were never technically in a relationship.
But after I saw him last time and caught all the feelings, I made a firm pact with myself that I would never try to convince him to date me.
We’ve both talked about how and why it won’t work right now, so I’ve closed that door, and I’m letting myself enjoy this weird little relationship with him for as long as it feels enjoyable.
The second it becomes more painful or limiting than it is supportive or fun, I’ll walk away.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have very real feelings for someone who is bringing so much value to my life right now.
He offers me a level of support and safety that I never got from any of these previous guys.
He’s funny. He’s kind. He’s sassy. He’s perceptive. He’s generous. When I see him, he takes me out and makes sure I’m treated right, which I obviously love.
And I think most importantly, he’s secure. He regularly encourages me to be 100% honest and open with him and has made it very clear he’s not going anywhere until I tell him to… no matter what I say or how many times I FaceTime him when I’m drunk.
(Do y’all think I should test him on that last one? 🙃)
He just rolls with it all and validates me, while also making fun of me when I respond to his IG stories in 30 seconds.
It’s been so deeply healing for me to be with someone who isn’t running away… and who I’m not chasing away or trying to force to be with me.
And I’ll tell you right now, this is going to feel like a punch to the throat when it ends for real.
It gets so much harder to let go the more I see him, yet I keep trying to see him because I can’t stay away. I’m allowing myself to enjoy it for now.
And if you’re thinking it, just know that I fully agree with you. I deserve to be with someone who is all these things… AND who wants to and has the capacity to commit to me in the way that I need.
The heartbreaking part is that even he agrees. He wants that for me.
So for now, we joke that I’m weaning.
This is the first time my heart has been open in years. And I know I won’t allow myself to close my heart this time around.
It feels really good to give my love to someone and practice feeling safe with him, knowing that the ball is in my court.
It’s ultimately showing me what I want, and that I am more ready for a real, deep relationship than I thought I was. Even if I’m not quite there yet.
And the way I see it — dating is a process of finding out what you don’t want in a partner.
So right now, I’m getting really fucking clear on what I do and don’t want, and I’m celebrating how far I’ve come without feeling like I need to be perfectly healed and perfectly open and ready just yet.
It’s a process.
And because I know you’ll read this…
See, I told you this would make you look good. Thanks for trusting me to write about you on the Internet
P.S. I will post more of my stories behind the paywall in the coming weeks, plus continue to post more self-reflective pieces for free here. You can subscribe to be notified whenever I post below!